


A Ritual Blood Sacrifice To The Goddess of Death? In MY Kitchen? It's More Likely Than You Think.

by allonsy_gabriel



Series: Another 51 [50]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: #justTaakothings, Attempt at Humor, Blood Magic, Funny, I KNOW THIS LOOKS DARK, I SWEAR IT ISN'T, Idiots in Love, Love, M/M, Ridiculous, Rituals, Sappy, Silly, This Is STUPID, Weird Fluff, catching your boyfriend doing ritual magic for his goddess in the kitchen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-06
Updated: 2020-01-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:49:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22140577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allonsy_gabriel/pseuds/allonsy_gabriel
Summary: Sometimes, Taako looked at Kravitz and couldn’t believe his eyes.Sometimes that was because he didn’t have in his contacts, or because his glasses (which were not nerd glasses, fuck you, Lup) were dirty.Other times it was just because Kravitz was…Unbelievable.(Can Be Read Alone)
Relationships: Kravitz/Taako (The Adventure Zone)
Series: Another 51 [50]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1414117
Comments: 34
Kudos: 112





	A Ritual Blood Sacrifice To The Goddess of Death? In MY Kitchen? It's More Likely Than You Think.

**Author's Note:**

> this is... the worst thing i've ever written, plot-wise. it's so stupid. it's terrible. i love it.
> 
> enjoy

Sometimes, Taako looked at Kravitz and couldn’t believe his eyes.

Sometimes that was because he didn’t have in his contacts, or because his glasses (which were _not_ nerd glasses, fuck you, Lup) were dirty.

Other times it was just because Kravitz was…

Unbelievable.

For starters, homeboy was fucking _death_ , which was…

Alright, it was dope as hell, but also? What the fuck? Like, the fact that Death was a person (and a hot person, at that) (and a sweet, kind, snippy, compassionate, snarky, caring, petty _dork_ of a person, but that—look, some things were too fucking _soft_ for Taako to actually think about, so _moving right the fuck along_ ) was wild, but even more than that…

Kravitz was _incredible_.

(Okay, so maybe Taako was going to think the soft thoughts. Fine, cool, whatever. Not like he had a _brand_ or something. Stupid fucking _in-love_ brain.)

He only ate his toast cut into triangles, and when he ate a fried egg he’d dip those triangle-toasts into the runny part of the yolk. He had a soft spot for cats, especially black cats, which fit his whole Spooky Aesthetic, but he _spoiled_ those cats more than he spoiled _Taako_. He organised his closet by colour, but he hated folding clothes, so most of his stuff was just piled in the clean clothes hamper.

He could burn rice.

 _Rice_.

And Taako loved him.

(Oh, Gods, the softness! The sap! The ridiculous amounts of fluffy feelings! Taako was going to die!)

And then there were the _other_ times Taako looked at Kravitz and couldn’t believe what he was seeing.

Time like…

“Hey, um, babe? What the fuck?”

“Huh?” Kravitz asked, spinning around to face Taako. A few of his dreads were slipping out of the knot he’d tied them into and were hanging around his face, and his collar was only half-tucked into his sweater. Basically, he was gorgeous, and it was making it very difficult for Taako to focus on the matter at hand.

Namely, the small fire burning on top of what looked to be a punk rock alter, in the middle of his kitchen table.

“ _What_ . The _fuck_.”

“Oh,” Kravitz said, wiping his hands—was that fucking _blood_ —on a dish towel hanging up on the stove. “That.”

“Uh, _yeah_ , ‘that’. It’s on fire, dude! On fire! In our house!”

“It’s a sacrifice!”

“That doesn’t make this _at all_ better! Actually, I think that makes this worse! Why are you sacrificing things in our kitchen?”

“Um… that’s where the cinnamon was? And—and the lighter? And the knives? So I just thought—”

“That you’d burn down our house while trying to _summon the dark one_?!”

“No!” Kravitz said, finally moving to stand next to Taako. “No, I just—at the beginning of every year, followers of the Raven Queen—or most gods, honestly—do a sacrifice, as a sort of, y’know. Renewal of the covenant.”

Taako blinked at him.

“A _renewal_ ,” he repeated. “Of the _covenant_.”

“Yes?”

Taako sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. “You—okay, you get that’s, like, _weird_ , right, babe? Like you can see how the sketch factor is, uh, pretty fucking high on that?” he asked. “Because, uh, not gonna lie to you, compadre, that sounds _wack as hell_.”

Kravitz chuckled for a moment. “I… I’ll admit, it must seem rather unusual from the outside—”

“You mean from every side, dude. Seriously. You’ve lit an alter on fire _in our kitchen_.”

“—but I can assure you, there’s nothing—nothing _sketchy_ is happening here. It’s just—it’s a ritual between myself and my goddess.”

“Okay,” Taako said, throwing his hands in the air. “Okay, I guess that makes—I mean, I’ve seen Merle do some pretty messed up shit for Pan, I guess this isn’t—fuck, okay. You—you are the _biggest_ disaster I’ve ever met.”

“So you’ve said. Multiple times.”

“And I’ll keep saying it! Jeezy creezy, okay, what do you—what do you need to do to finish the, uh, covenant thing? Like, what can I do to speed up the process so we can put out all the flames and shit?”

“So I’ve technically—like, I’ve done the sacrifice, mostly, now I just need to burn a few feathers and say the vows and then I’ll be done.”

“What…” Taako began slowly, sort of afraid to continue, “what was the sacrifice?”

“Just…”

“Just?”

“Afewdropsofmyblood.”

“A few _what?!”_

“Drops of blood! Just a few drops of my blood, nothing—nothing serious, nothing major, nothing I can’t heal myself without a problem—”

“This is so fucked up. This is _so fucked up.”_

“Maybe a little—”

“Are Lup and Barry doing this?”

“I think so? I mean, I sent them the file with the instructions, so I would think—”

“So _everyone in my immediate close family_ is _offering up their blood as a sacrifice to death_ —”

“Taako, please.”

Taako took a deep breath. “Alright. I’m—I’m cool. This is— _cool_. So. Feathers. Vows. I’m guessing probably some dope pyrotechnics. Rock ‘n’ roll, buckaroo.”

Kravitz stared at him for a moment, as if _Taako_ was the weird one in this situation. He then pulled a few feathers out of seemingly thin air—probably from wherever he kept his scythe—and laid them gently on the still-burning alter.

And then he began to pray.

Or, at least, Taako assumed he was praying.

He couldn’t understand the words.

(And just in case you missed that, lemme run it by you one more time— _Taako_ didn’t understand the words. Taako. Taako, who spoke Common, Elvish, Goblin, Dwarvish, and fucking _Draconic_ couldn’t understand the words to Kravitz’s creepy as fuck death chant.)

“If our house explodes you’re dealing with fantasy insurance,” Taako grumbled. “I’m not gonna be the one to explain all this.”

Kravitz didn’t reply, but he did take a moment to look over at Taako, a small smile on his lips.

Finally, there was a gust of wind that moved through the kitchen, cold as ice, that made the hairs on the back of Taako’s neck stand up, and then all at once, the fire went out, leaving Kravitz sitting in front of a burnt pile of cinnamon-scented wood.

“You, uh, you good, bone boy?” Taako asked.

Kravitz smiled up at him. “I’m good.”

“Great, because you’re cleaning that up. _I’m_ making pimento cheese sandwiches and praying I don’t get visited in my sleep by the ghost of blood sacrifices past.”

Kravitz laughed and pulled Taako into a hug, pressing a light kiss to his forehead.

“I think you’re only going to have to worry about one undead being watching you sleep tonight—”

“Oh _fuck_ why did you _say that_ that’s _so bad_ —”

“Yeah, I—yeah. That didn’t sound—”

“Fucking—fantasy Jesus Christ, I hope not!”

Taako loved Kravitz.

If this shit didn’t prove it, nothing fucking did.

**Author's Note:**

> please please please tell me your thought's i'm literally begging you


End file.
